What would it be like if parents didn’t have sex?

Today I’ll tell you about alternation of generation.

 

It’s boring as fuck, and even though I have a degree in this bullshit, I nearly fall asleep every time I try to learn about it. Why? Because it’s plants.

 

Fucking plants.

 

They’re the worst.

 

Anyway, I could explain this to you the way it really works, but that would involve stupid words like “haploid” and “diploid,” and maybe even “megasporophyte,” and….oh my god I’m bored already.

 

So here’s the deal: I’ll explain this idea like if it happened to an animal (which it almost never does).

 

Basically what happens is you go to the nerd convention and show off your flashing saber. (You’re a man in this scenario, btw.)

 

A horny college woman sees you and decides you’re totally bone-able because of your super sexy faux fencing skills. (You dog, you!)

 

So you two go home and get in bed and put on a movie….

 

And create two complete life forms, both sentient and alive. One is a living, breathing, walking sperm, and the other one is a living, breathing, walking egg.

 

Spermy and Eggalicious go out into the world and live fulfilling lives full of video games and pizza (the American dream if ever there was one).

 

Eventually, Spermy and Eggalicious grow to adulthood and realize their undying love for each other. Or their one-night-standy love for each other. Whatever. No judgment here. Then they have sex and produce a human.

 

That’s right, dear readers—in the Alternation of Generation scenario, the dudes with paired chromosomes (like humans) never have sex. They make offspring with unpaired chromosomes (the same as sperm and ova), and then those guys grow up and have sex.

 

This is one of a long list of reasons why I’m thankful I wasn’t born a fern.

 

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